I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired