just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”