This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.