Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.