Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes