COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
We like the way Dwight thinks
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
who did the taste test?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔