I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome