I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
You Might Also Like
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*puts my mental health in rice
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro