Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Xylophonist Shredding It
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?