HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!