My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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forgive me baja for i have blast
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.