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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.