Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
What flavor cupcake are these
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.