Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
You Might Also Like
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”