You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Buying a well is money well spent.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Muppet Screams
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.