God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts