I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Ok, but like, how married are you?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.