People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
remember
only for emergencies
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish