I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Happy Star Wars day!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
…..pretty much.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.