[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.