My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.