(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
water it, i dare you
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now