wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).