This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.