Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I feel attacked.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.