[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
No Google it does not
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.