Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
excuse me
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Florida man
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy