Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The dark side of Canada
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.