Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
This is my pinned tweet
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.