[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
You Might Also Like
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69