My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
School be like
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe