Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: