Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The funk soul brother
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”