Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
You Might Also Like
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
got so much cardio in today
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.