The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off