Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.