You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
12653.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers