“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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the clam before the storm
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.