I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Something Saturday.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
guilty
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger