Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
This is the one
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.