My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.