[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Need this in my life lol
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.