none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.