GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
This is my brand.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.