Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Thrilling chase underway
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Brb my Sims are getting married
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first