Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.