Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.