[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
work smarter, not harder