Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The Onion called it…again.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.