[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?